A Letter to the One That Got Away

Dear 47,

It’s been a while since we spoke. A long while. Even if you called me up right now I have no idea what I would say. You were one of my best friends. You knew more about me than most. I trusted you with parts of me that I didn’t give to anyone else.

And then I hurt you.

We’ve spoken since it happened. We’ve been together since then. I don’t know how it felt for you, but for me there was always this thing between us. After I broke up with you nothing was ever the same between us. At least from my side.

I never truly apologized for what I did to you, so I’ll say it here, now.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for breaking up with you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for never telling you the truth.

I don’t regret any of the choices that I’ve made in my life. Without them I wouldn’t be where I am now. But if I had to regret just one thing: it would be calling you that night and telling you it was over.

I told you that I had heard from him, and he wanted to get back together. That part was truth.

I told you that I needed to take this chance because he could be “the one”. That part was a lie.

I knew deep down that I would never end up with him. He wasn’t the one for me. You were.

Since fifth grade I had known how I felt about you. I knew that if I were to have a high school sweetheart it would be you. I knew that you would match my intellect. I knew that your witty sarcasm was something I wanted to hear every day. I knew that together we would be amazing.

And we were. In high school and out of high school.

Every time we were together as friends or as a couple or just a hookup. It was always amazing. You were always going to be it for me.

And at 16 that scared the hell out of me.

I wasn’t ready to confront those feelings. I wasn’t ready to let you have that much of a hold on me — much less let you know about it.

So, I ended it with a half truth. I knew I hurt you. I hurt myself. I cried for weeks afterward, and it hurt so much to be around you.

If I had to choose one thing in my life to get a do-over on, it would be you.

I know it will never happen, and I’m ok with that. I am happy with my life, my husband, my kids. I don’t dream or wish that things were different or that you were here instead of him.

I just wanted you to know that I am truly sorry for hurting you, and if there was a way I could fix it I would.