The Grey Scale

PSA: Please do not take what is posted on a social media outlet (or what is written as an opinion) as truth or fact. Make sure what you’re posting is from reputable sources.

Otherwise you make yourself look like a dumbass.

Just saying.

The SCOTUS decision does not (reread—does NOT) make abortion illegal. It takes the power of that decision out of the hand of the federal government and gives it back to each individual state.

The states can now make their own laws regarding abortion.

For those that upset because they “overturned almost 50 years of progress”….. why aren’t you more upset that your government has had 49 years to make a constitutional amendment specifically for abortion and they haven’t?

Just saying.

**Disclosure: This is not for debate and hateful comments will not be returned.

#roevwade #SCOTUS #justsaying

I have been so stressed out for a little over a week now. Truthfully, I am always stressed out about something. I mean, I’m married with children and I have a full time job. So, there’s always something going on.

But this was different.

About a week and a half ago I’m on the phone with my mom and she tells me my dad had an appointment with a pulmonary specialist. He believed what my dad had was something called IPF — idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Once diagnosed, patients are given roughly five years as there is no current cure. There is a medication to slow the progression, and he would’ve been sent somewhere to do further tests and see if he is a candidate for a lung transplant.

Well, he had a CT scan done this past Friday, and a breathing test yesterday. He met with the specialist again this morning. They are doing additional blood work. He will need to do some bronchoscopy tests down the line, and maybe a biopsy (which will require a few days in the hospital). But as of right now — no IPF!!!!

I am so excited and so relieved. I started crying when I read the text from my mom. PTL! God is good!

Dear 47,

It’s been a while since we spoke. A long while. Even if you called me up right now I have no idea what I would say. You were one of my best friends. You knew more about me than most. I trusted you with parts of me that I didn’t give to anyone else.

And then I hurt you.

We’ve spoken since it happened. We’ve been together since then. I don’t know how it felt for you, but for me there was always this thing between us. After I broke up with you nothing was ever the same between us. At least from my side.

I never truly apologized for what I did to you, so I’ll say it here, now.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for breaking up with you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for never telling you the truth.

I don’t regret any of the choices that I’ve made in my life. Without them I wouldn’t be where I am now. But if I had to regret just one thing: it would be calling you that night and telling you it was over.

I told you that I had heard from him, and he wanted to get back together. That part was truth.

I told you that I needed to take this chance because he could be “the one”. That part was a lie.

I knew deep down that I would never end up with him. He wasn’t the one for me. You were.

Since fifth grade I had known how I felt about you. I knew that if I were to have a high school sweetheart it would be you. I knew that you would match my intellect. I knew that your witty sarcasm was something I wanted to hear every day. I knew that together we would be amazing.

And we were. In high school and out of high school.

Every time we were together as friends or as a couple or just a hookup. It was always amazing. You were always going to be it for me.

And at 16 that scared the hell out of me.

I wasn’t ready to confront those feelings. I wasn’t ready to let you have that much of a hold on me — much less let you know about it.

So, I ended it with a half truth. I knew I hurt you. I hurt myself. I cried for weeks afterward, and it hurt so much to be around you.

If I had to choose one thing in my life to get a do-over on, it would be you.

I know it will never happen, and I’m ok with that. I am happy with my life, my husband, my kids. I don’t dream or wish that things were different or that you were here instead of him.

I just wanted you to know that I am truly sorry for hurting you, and if there was a way I could fix it I would.

Dear Chloe,

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to you over the years. I just never knew how. You were always there for me at times when I needed somebody. There were times you were there for me when I didn’t realize I even needed you. For that I will always be grateful.

I feel like I need to apologize to you. For what happened that night. I don’t know why I let it happen. I don’t know why we let it happen. It wasn’t right. I know you better than that. But we both went along with it anyway.

Back then I was more of a follower. I never spoke up about what I thought or liked or did or didn’t want. That was just who I was. I wanted to be liked and accepted, and I did anything (within reason) to make that happen. I did put an end to it, but not before the damage was done. For us, it was too late. And I have never regretted anything more in my life.

You were my best friend from four years old into our twenties. I was always very good at needing a friend. Unfortunately, I kinda sucked at the “being the friend” part. We started drifting in high school, I think. I guess I realized it when I found out that you had had sex and didn’t tell me. It doesn’t seem like a big deal now as adults, but as a teenager I was hurt. It hurt that something so big had happened in my best friends life and she didn’t share it with me.

I don’t know when it started, but that was the moment I realized that we were going different directions. I didn’t want us to. I was a dreamer. In my mind we would always be friends. We would have babies that were friends and we’d end up in the same nursing home telling stories over cards and bingo.

It hurts now to think that won’t ever happen. We both have kids, but at different points in our lives. They don’t know each other or our families. I just thought things would be different is all.

I wanted to write this to you to say so many things. The first is at I’m sorry for what happened and I hope you can find it in you to forgive me. The second is that I wish there was a way for us to be friends again. More than just the obligatory Facebook birthday post every year. I miss my sister.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I need you. I have your number, but somehow I can’t bring myself to just pick up the phone and dial. I don’t want to inconvenience your life at all — I know I don’t fit there anymore.

Dad is sick. He had an appointment a couple weeks ago and some tests done last week. He meets with the doctor this week to talk about the results and next steps. We will get the full diagnosis, mortality rates, steps for possible transplant. All of that. I am trying so hard not to freak out. Not to cry. Not to say or do the wrong thing. I have to pause every so often because I am crying as I write this. I just don’t know what to do.

You remember what happened when we were 8. It was so sudden and unexpected. There was no time for plans or preventative measures. The only thing we could do was to react. He was gone before they made it to the hospital.

Now, we may be given a timeline. It could be years depending on the final diagnosis. I honestly don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Knowing that it’s going to happen and having time to prepare for it, but still having to live each day in agony knowing what’s coming. Or it just happening out of the blue. No warning. No time. Just deal with it and move on with life. I really cannot pick which one I’d rather have.

We aren’t putting anything on social media right now or probably ever. Not a lot of people know. I just needed to tell someone that I love and trust who knows me and who understands.

I don’t have friends. No that’s not an understatement or whatever. I legit do not have any friends. It’s mainly my fault. Well, no it’s all my fault. I just don’t do well with people any more. Not that I ever really did I guess. I’ve tried making friends with other school and daycare moms, but it just seems that we are sociable in the parking lot or the grocery store. I am just so terrified that if someone actually learns things about me and who I am, then they won’t like me. I’ve had that fear ever since middle school. I never had to pretend with you and N and J but with everyone else I did. I don’t know how to explain it. Everyone saw who you were. You saw me, but no one else did. Either they didn’t care enough to see or I was too scared to show them. I don’t know.

I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I just wish you were here. I wish we could talk on the couch until 1am. Drinking sun drop and eating Cheetos. I just wish things were different is all. I don’t know how to make it right.

So, I am in the medical field. I am a pharmacy technician. I deal with a lot of things and a lot of people on a daily basis. Today was just one of those days where no matter what I did, it wasn’t right or there was an issue here, etc. Honestly, it’s been like that all week…and it’s only Wednesday.

Now, I love my job. I do. And I also don’t mind the majority of the people I work with (most days, anyway). Today, this whole week really had just been one shitshow after another. There was – and usually is – too much to get done, and not enough people. I honestly do not understand why our manager does not schedule for the demand. I know that there are only so many hours to give out, but all of them should be given out. I think it would be better to have to send someone home early than to only have two people when you need four.

That’s just my opinion. Now to go pick up the children…